The bouncy little bootlicking Attorney General of the United States, Jeffrey Beauregard Sessions III, has had a tingle in his private parts for quite some time when it comes to the proliferation of the Devil’s Lettuce… the Jazz Cabbage…
His top priority, it seemed, was to use the power of the federal U.S. Department of Justice to interfere with, disrupt, and ideally put an end to all legally instituted and highly successful state-sanctioned medical and recreational cannabis programs… because you know how Conservatives believe in small-government and state’s rights, right?
Like the worst episode of Scooby Doo ever, he might have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those meddling Russians!
You see, the highest lawyer in the land (actually a less-than-halfass accomplishment-free senator from Alabama) got himself caught up very early in the probe into possible Russian interference in the 2016 U.S. election.
‘Caught up’ meaning he lied his ass off, more than once, while under oath at his Senate Confirmation Hearing(s) when asked about his own personal contacts with Russian officials leading up to the fall election.
Even when busted, he had the audacity to keep his job and Trump had the audacity to allow him to! Because you know how Conservatives respect the rule of law, right?
The result, however, was that Jeff Sessions had to recuse himself from all Russia-related matters at the DOJ and this was what finally pushed Trump over the edge.
Since then Trump, now an unindicted co-conspirator in even wider-ranging crimes, has been flexing his Twitter fingers at all hours of the night taking increasingly desperate shots at Sessions for not setting fire to the Constitution to protect the embattled president.
Our president, as petty and low as any maladjusted playground bully, has recently resorted to more personal attacks on his former friend, calling him a “dumb Southerner”, mocking his Alabama accent, and referring to him as “mentally retarded”.
Searching for any way to twist the titty of the weakest Attorney General in the history of our country, it’s no coincidence that the past couple weeks have brought us completely conflicting stories about Trump both voicing support for cannabis legalization while simultaneously forming secret task forces to bring about its demise.
At this point, it’s hard to know what to believe other than the only thing keeping the long reach of the federal government out of your stash is a pissy feud between two grumpy, perpetually confused, and obstinate old men.
Jeff Sessions is a near-perfect example of just how broken our political system is.
His first priority, when given such immense power, was to try to attack the legalization of a plant that is supported by 60-70% of Americans no matter where or how you poll them.
Sessions represents the vast minority who oppose cannabis reform, or rather, those 30% represent the dwindling tatters of his Conservative base.
Trump, no true Conservative, could ignite his own bewildered base and even add to it should he truly do something bold to advance federal cannabis reform – poking his teeny, tiny finger into Session’s eye in the process… but we are not going to hold our breath on that one.
Prove us wrong, Mr. President!